raise hell

Right, so I’m in the middle of a few projects which is great and not so great all at the same time. Great because of money (yay, money!), not so great because I feel like I’m working working working, sleeping, eating, working…and the little rebel inside me just wants to do other things…like any things other than the mountain of work I’ve somehow managed to “win” all in the same month with almost all the same delivery dates. It’s only making me a tiny bit entirely loony.

I’m taking a lunch break right now. And while I’m on that topic…did you know I’ve managed to lose over 20 pounds in the last two months? Mostly, this is because of all the food eliminating (gluten, soy, sugar, dairy, grains…etc. etc…) It’s been tough, but after 8 weeks it’s not so tough – you know? I’m **supposed** to be adding things back in now…guinea pigging myself…not fun. Dairy is still a no go and after about 5 days straight of dark cocoa (smoothies, gluten free fudgie cakes) it’s safe to assume that chocolate is a caution food…maybe a once a week food. But, hey, WINE is totally okay! And, you realize by WINE I am talking an ENTIRE BOTTLE OF WINE.

This week I will try rice, next week I will try potatoes then maybe lentils. I really would rather not add anything back in, it’s frustrating when I have a reaction to something I’ve added back and depressing because I obviously want to be able to EAT ALL THE THINGS. Meat, vegetables and fruit are now my staples. I’ve eaten at a restaurant exactly once in two months…I ate two eggs and 2 pieces of bacon…3 grapes, and a piece of melon. It was at that point in the meal that I started to feel “weird” and had to talk myself down from an anxiety attack…from out of no where. This includes warning my breakfast companion that I feel “floaty”. Thankfully they knew it was best to just keep talking to me like a regular person and also to tell me “it’s okay” while avoiding phrases like “you’re fine.” Having an anxiety attack in public is one of my fears…like keeps me in the house all weekend…fears. Fainted in public once a few years ago, that’s probably my worst fear now.

Anxiety isn’t something I write about very much, well, maybe I do…I’m not sure. Writing in this space has been a bit spotty lately. Posting in this space does help to relieve some of my anxiety. The food plan I’m on is helping with all my issues…including the anxiety. When I feel better, I am better. My type of inflammation is incurable and made worse by stress and all the foods I do my best to avoid (only took 20 or so years to figure out and most of it I’ve had to figure out on my own). While on the restricted diet (I should call it optimized instead of restricted, sounds more cheerful – yeah?)  I’ve only had to take motrin once in two months, my migraines have not returned and I can breathe much better. At this point my anti-anxiety protocols should be engraved on a medic alert bracelet. It could say “CHRONICALLY WEIRD – ADMINISTER COFFEE” or “ACUTELY AWKWARD – DO NOT HUG” or something. You do realize, I’m going to have put those two things on t-shirts now.

The plan for the rest of 2015 is to get as much work done as possible while I am feeling well (I’m such a glass have empty kind of bird, aren’t I?) and also to write more, more often. <3

(thanks for reading)

oh, bother

Sometimes it’s best to be honest and cut yourself some slack regarding “progress” and “resilience”. You gotta deal with crap, or it just builds up and then what you have is MORE crap…

I’ve been on a restricted food plan (no Gluten, Soy, Processed Sugar, Dairy, Corn, Legumes, Grains) for the last 40 days and, quite frankly, I’m exhausted. Yes, my inflammation is waaaaaaay down, I’ve dropped weight and “feel healthier”…but today (Monday, yech) I’m tired. I want to plop my slightly smaller bum on the couch, watch a movie, drink a beer, eat a grilled cheese sandwich with bacon and potato chips and then gelato for dessert. None of which is going to happen.

I tell myself I am just being bratty, and that none of those foods will help me feel better, in fact, they will do just the opposite…but I continue to hem and haw and whine and curse the unfairness I’ve imposed on myself, then I’ll eat baked fish with one vegetable and one fruit…just like I have every day for the last 40 days.

I will continue to do what is best for me and my issues until I have a new “normal”. Everything just takes time (I wish everything just took gummi bears).

thirty-nine

nearly40It’s been an excellent day spent with excellent people, oh and today was my birthday! No biggie, just thirty-nine.

No cake this year, even though I told my co-workers they could eat a full gluten, full sugar cake (or CUPCAKES!), while I watch…not creepy at all.

Health-wise I am doing really well, my inflammation is waaay down and I can sleep for about 6 hours straight. That is a huge improvement. Of course, I was surprised with goodies on my desk when I got into work this morning. Some really thoughtful gluten-free treats and my girlfriend got me the most adorable Itty Bitty Kermit and a Kermit mug (Kermug!). I also received some very sweet text messages from family and friends. My phone battery died from responding to Facebook notifications all afternoon. My boss even chatted with me for a bit about my birthday actually being HIS half birthday. I told him I win, because I’m younger…which I know makes no sense and that’s why I said it. Today I feel very loved. Thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes and virtual hugs, and actual hugs, too (sorry for flinching, I’m not really a “hugger”).

KERMUGI tend not to make a HUGE deal out of my birthdays, not because I don’t like getting older…mostly because I can only deal with SO MUCH attention at once. My face kind of hurts right now from all the smiling. THEN there is the “special food” thing, that I tend to get self conscious about. I don’t need a parade, thoughtful gestures are more than enough and I’m so thankful for the people I have in my life that care.

I could probably be coerced into a birthday bash next year when I turn forty…no kidnapping though, please…I’ll have nightmares.

Tonight I will spend time with Mac and probably watch Patch Adams. I’ve been watching Robin Williams movies since the weekend. It’s not a good movie unless I’ve cried all my makeup off!

image © Aimee McEwen

mani-pedi

mani-pediThis might be the first time I’ve posted a picture of my feet on the blog. I’m not very kind to my feet, in general I don’t even like feet…but I treated myself to a pedicure over the weekend (because purple is the best color) and after that my fingers felt naked so I did some wraps (actually called nail strips). Honestly, I only bought them because on the package it says “love letters”. I’m such a sucker. You can’t really read too many words in the loopy script on my short nails but it doesn’t matter, I’m wearing LOVE LETTERS. These strips last about a week, I add my own clear coat and then I felt a little girly and added some silvery glitter. Just a touch. I worked really hard over the weekend. Work is  good distraction for me, I’m still feeling stressed lately and my birthday is right around the corner. So I’m dealing with bad stress and good stress, I guess. The other day I got to talk with a good friend about some things that have been bothering me…on the phone…and that helped. I’m not usually a phone person but we talked for hours and hours. It was really nice. I’m keeping things simple for the rest of the summer, I decided. Work will slow down a little and so will I. All my food issues are being dealt with and I’m on strict food list for the next three months, doctor supervised even. It’s a lot of pressure (to be good), but it’s the only way I know how to get my inflammation under control.

Well, c’mon feet.

world falls down

I have a habit of playing my favorite movies over and over when I am anxious or sick. It’s something that I know will comfort me, when nothing else seems to work. Let’s just say Labyrinth played more than once yesterday. I actually have two DVDs of the movie…you know…just in case one dies. I’m like one of those those parents that buy multiple dollies just so they can eventually wash one and their child doesn’t have a complete meltdown.

Isn’t that INSANE?

I could list a number of other things I do, without thinking too much about it, on a daily basis to help calm, cheer, or comfort myself…things that do not involve medication or alcohol or sex (sorry mom).

These metaphorical blankies…keep me “on track” (actually I prefer the term “woobie” to blanky…but I digress). They help me cope with terrible things, like “life”. There’s no magic pill that can make life the way you think it should be, or make it go back to what it was. It’s life, it changes constantly and it’s NOT fair. So, if repeating certain things helps me deal with the changes, so be it. Oh and I’m not a “hugger”…but I’ve found hugs can be helpful as well, in a pinch.