thirty-nine

nearly40It’s been an excellent day spent with excellent people, oh and today was my birthday! No biggie, just thirty-nine.

No cake this year, even though I told my co-workers they could eat a full gluten, full sugar cake (or CUPCAKES!), while I watch…not creepy at all.

Health-wise I am doing really well, my inflammation is waaay down and I can sleep for about 6 hours straight. That is a huge improvement. Of course, I was surprised with goodies on my desk when I got into work this morning. Some really thoughtful gluten-free treats and my girlfriend got me the most adorable Itty Bitty Kermit and a Kermit mug (Kermug!). I also received some very sweet text messages from family and friends. My phone battery died from responding to Facebook notifications all afternoon. My boss even chatted with me for a bit about my birthday actually being HIS half birthday. I told him I win, because I’m younger…which I know makes no sense and that’s why I said it. Today I feel very loved. Thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes and virtual hugs, and actual hugs, too (sorry for flinching, I’m not really a “hugger”).

KERMUGI tend not to make a HUGE deal out of my birthdays, not because I don’t like getting older…mostly because I can only deal with SO MUCH attention at once. My face kind of hurts right now from all the smiling. THEN there is the “special food” thing, that I tend to get self conscious about. I don’t need a parade, thoughtful gestures are more than enough and I’m so thankful for the people I have in my life that care.

I could probably be coerced into a birthday bash next year when I turn forty…no kidnapping though, please…I’ll have nightmares.

Tonight I will spend time with Mac and probably watch Patch Adams. I’ve been watching Robin Williams movies since the weekend. It’s not a good movie unless I’ve cried all my makeup off!

image © Aimee McEwen
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mani-pedi

mani-pediThis might be the first time I’ve posted a picture of my feet on the blog. I’m not very kind to my feet, in general I don’t even like feet…but I treated myself to a pedicure over the weekend (because purple is the best color) and after that my fingers felt naked so I did some wraps (actually called nail strips). Honestly, I only bought them because on the package it says “love letters”. I’m such a sucker. You can’t really read too many words in the loopy script on my short nails but it doesn’t matter, I’m wearing LOVE LETTERS. These strips last about a week, I add my own clear coat and then I felt a little girly and added some silvery glitter. Just a touch. I worked really hard over the weekend. Work is  good distraction for me, I’m still feeling stressed lately and my birthday is right around the corner. So I’m dealing with bad stress and good stress, I guess. The other day I got to talk with a good friend about some things that have been bothering me…on the phone…and that helped. I’m not usually a phone person but we talked for hours and hours. It was really nice. I’m keeping things simple for the rest of the summer, I decided. Work will slow down a little and so will I. All my food issues are being dealt with and I’m on strict food list for the next three months, doctor supervised even. It’s a lot of pressure (to be good), but it’s the only way I know how to get my inflammation under control.

Well, c’mon feet.

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world falls down

I have a habit of playing my favorite movies over and over when I am anxious or sick. It’s something that I know will comfort me, when nothing else seems to work. Let’s just say Labyrinth played more than once yesterday. I actually have two DVDs of the movie…you know…just in case one dies. I’m like one of those those parents that buy multiple dollies just so they can eventually wash one and their child doesn’t have a complete meltdown.

Isn’t that INSANE?

I could list a number of other things I do, without thinking too much about it, on a daily basis to help calm, cheer, or comfort myself…things that do not involve medication or alcohol or sex (sorry mom).

These metaphorical blankies…keep me “on track” (actually I prefer the term “woobie” to blanky…but I digress). They help me cope with terrible things, like “life”. There’s no magic pill that can make life the way you think it should be, or make it go back to what it was. It’s life, it changes constantly and it’s NOT fair. So, if repeating certain things helps me deal with the changes, so be it. Oh and I’m not a “hugger”…but I’ve found hugs can be helpful as well, in a pinch.

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pieces

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“what time is it?… where are my keys?… did I pay my bill?… what is THAT?… damn cat… got to make your lunch… chicken? I hate chicken… traffic, great… DRIVE YOUR CAR… really?… no parking… GEEZUS… Mmmmcoffee… don’t forget to pay that bill… what’s my password… access denied? [password help]… did I lock the doors??… I hope Mac is napping… WHY did I make this password so long?… never going to remember that… work… email… work… email… email… sigh… phone rings… voicemail …crap, chicken… ew… go get water, drink water!…haha, that’s funny… that can’t be a real frog… that’s GIANT… work… work… work… stretch… ow, I feel so old… lotion on hands… music!… ear buds… volume up… boop, boop, boop… email… email… work… I hope Mac is okay… is it friggin raining AGAIN?… what time is it?… call mom… TRAFFIC… good song, MUSIC LOUDER… home… WHAT IS THAT? damn cat… Aw, Mac is sleeping, cute… PAJAMMAHS… hmmmm…. CHICKEN, WTF…nope…POPSICLES!”

(edited for bathroom breaks)

Virginia Woolf quote free for download, printing, sharing.

white version:pieces

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bloom

I’ve never been great with plants. That’s what I tell myself, anyway. Last weekend I went ahead and got three separate potted plants and much to my surprise they are thriving. I bought a rose bush, impatiens and some other mix of purple and white flowers. It was a bit daunting for me to choose from all the plants at the nursery…so I just bought whatever I thought would be hardest to kill. My mom said not to be afraid of the roses…just don’t over water them. They are looking really pretty right now. The pictures show the very first bud that came out a few days ago…from bud to full bloom (and now in my living room). It didn’t occur to me until today to give it a sniff. It smells amazing!

I’m working hard at remembering to water and not overwater and also to check for BEES before reaching into the planters, moving the planters…I swear the last bee/wasp/stingy thing I saw was robotic or on steroids…it was giant and pointy and I imagine it having angry eyebrows, wearing a derby and smoking a cigar (shivers).

 

image credit: © Aimee McEwen

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not the momma

unsplash5-9 Even though I have a habit of mothering all things organic or inanimate, I have never been in a situation that I thought, for me, having children would be a “good idea”. I am not a mom and I can honestly say I’ve never wanted my own children. I know myself. I’m not a terrible person. I’m not “too selfish, too lazy, too weird” (okay maybe a little too weird). And it’s ironic…because I LOVE **most** children and most of them like me back. Being nearly forty puts me in this position where people assume I have kids or will have one soon or that I’m tragically childless.

The fact that some people need to put me in a category is something I accept but it opens me up to some awkward situations and questions. Sometimes I want to rip people’s faces off for being uncouth, but mostly I just answer honestly.

Here are some actual questions I have been asked:

Q: HOW OLD ARE YOU? HOW COME YOU NEVER HAD KIDS?

A: I didn’t accidentally forget to have a child.

Q: CAN YOU NOT HAVE CHILDREN OR SOMETHING?

A: As far as I know I am physically able to have one. Maybe (okay probably) in the back of my mind I’ve always felt like I might be “inadequately equipped” to function as a mom (it’s effing hard work, ya’ll). But as far as being physically possible goes…yeah, I’m fine.

Q: WOW, I CANT BELIEVE YOU DON’T HAVE KIDS YET, YOU MUST TRAVEL A LOT…

A: Is that a question? No, I am not sure if mothers travel less than non-moms but I don’t travel…like ever. (I said this while picturing a mom with multiple children on leashes at Disney World.)

Q: (CO-WORKER/NEW MOM BRINGS BABY INTO WORK FOR A VISIT) Other co-worker looking at me sympathetically: YOU HAVE TIME, DON’T WORRY.

A: Also not a question but the awkward silence after a comment like this seems to require a response. FYI: I do not hear my “biological clock” ticking, I am not worried about running out of time. Also, I would like to add that I do not believe having children would somehow make me a more legit female. I once asked a friend if they thought it was weird not to have kids…he said, “No, lots of people don’t have children.” I have smart friends.

I admit to having twinges of envy a few years ago when it seemed like everyone I knew was having a child but that’s all it ever was, twinges. I’m not a robot for gawdsake. Sometimes I even feel sad about it, but that doesn’t make me wanna go out and find a baby-daddy. It just doesn’t.

While I’m not actively trying to have a kid, I’m also not actively trying not to have one. I’m okay with that, even if it means I will never be a mom.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I will not feel sad. I will go to the grocery store, like usual, and the cashier will cheerfully wish me a “Happy Mother’s Day!” and I’ll smile and say “thank you”.

“Socially awkward, painfully aware.” Is one of my favorite ways to describe myself. “Nearly forty, happily divorced.” comes in at a close second.

image credit: unsplash

not the momma